Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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