Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
