On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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