Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
