I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
