don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize