I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
