some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
