I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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