FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
