oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
