I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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