whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Every concussion has its silver lining
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
