I puked a lego.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
too bad you live with your parents still
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
