I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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