Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize