anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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