i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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