I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
