I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can you bring me the toilet please
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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