Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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