Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
