I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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