Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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