trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
