You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
