I am spending my child support on dildos
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
