Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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