I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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