come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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