It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
