I just threw up on my dentist
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
