I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
