I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
