He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
