you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
