he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
