Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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