He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
