Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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