wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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