In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
