Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
