I can text with my tongue
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize