I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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