best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
