Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I AM VODKA MAN
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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