We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
