Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
