this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
