Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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