And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
