The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
