Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
