Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
