So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
im six kinds of drunk right now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
