Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
