just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
