Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
