Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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