There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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