Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
