I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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