my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
