Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
