just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
