i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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