i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
