You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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