nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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